True. We are different.

I was so taken aback to hear this phrase: “We are not the same.” It hurt me, angered me even. I felt betrayed and confused. Then I realized – we are not the same, and that is fine. Never in my life have I thought, “I want to be the same as the people I love.” I mean, never have I thought this and meant it. I tell my friend Kelly all the time that we are the same person. (Actually, I don’t tell her. I don’t tell her because I don’t need to – she can read my mind. She actually knows what I am thinking before I think it.) We are not actually the same person, we both just happen to be really bad at texting and showing up to social events on time.

I recently received a phone call from a friend (not Kelly) about a time where we had communicated badly and she was expressing her frustrations with me around that. The details of this are not really important. What I learned about myself on the other hand has been freeing – and frustrating.

I actually did want us to be the same. I wanted our friendship to exist in a place that was far removed from reality. Where we would only laugh and cry together in our deep intentional conversations. Where we would feed each others souls in life, work, and Jesus. So when the reality of friendship came upon me I felt unprepared.

The reality is that even with our deep intentional conversations, even with Jesus – we still hurt each other sometimes. I still hurt the people I love. I am still selfish and stubborn. I am still prideful and afraid. No matter how much I love my friend, no matter how often we read our Bibles together, or talk about Jesus or all the other things that make us cry. No matter what – sometimes we still hurt each other. No matter how “time same we can be” we are in fact not the same. That is a beautiful thing. It also doesn’t change anything about our relationships with each other. It makes them just as easy and just as hard.

We are not meant to be the same. We are meant to love each other and care for each other. We are meant to help each other love more like Jesus and grow more in Jesus. Maybe we can only do these things because we are not the same.

Originally, this post was all about this one specific experience that took place, about how it made me feel and what I learned about it. Then I realized that didn’t matter. I mean, what I learned mattered, but the other details were transferrable. What matters is not that we both apologize differently and process differently but that I need to listen more.

After our conversation I wrote down the following things.

“I have had a few hours now to think about this and I have come to the following realization about myself.

1. I need to process.
2. I ask too many questions.
3. I didn’t respond well to the unexpected, but honest feedback
4. I hate talking on the phone.
5. I didn’t listen enough before speaking

I think this is okay. Well, I need to work on number two, three and five. My friend really wanted me to just say I am sorry. Just say it. She even said that. I respect that, but I also want her to accept that I can’t. I can’t just say I am sorry with the same passion that she can to “just say it.” I don’t think this diminishes my apology, or my respect for her or our friendship. I just think it is my way. Just like saying sorry quickly is hers.

I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t mention this one other thing: there was a moment after our conversation when I didn’t trust her apology. After I had processed my own needs and wants, I couldn’t help but think that maybe her sorry wasn’t as genuine because she didn’t think about it. I thought, “well, maybe she just says the word to get over the issue.” Then I made myself forget all of it. Why? Well, if I am asking her to acknowledge that I need something very different from her, then I need to do the same. I need to acknowledge and accept that our methods of apology meet our own needs first.”

Ultimately, I knew where I had made some key mistakes in this experience. Mostly, number five. I didn’t listen. I wanted to fix. I wanted to be done and go back to “normal.” By not listening and trying to fix everything, I made it worse. I turned it in to something that needed to become a big thing. If I had just heard her and said “okay, thank you for sharing that with me, what can I do now?”  I think it would have existed in it’s space and we have moved forward. I didn’t use the experience as a space to learn and grow. I wasn’t selfish in this moment and I should have been. By that I mean – this was really an opportunity for me to become a better me. My dear friend was bravely allowing me to learn about myself, be a better me and I didn’t take it. I made it about our friendship and us and what we did. Really, the whole conversation she needed to have with me was about what I needed to do. She approached me after all.

She boldly cared for me enough to help me grow.