Boldness

A New Real Friend.

/ Margi Sang / 1 Comment

Last night I sat on a couch and said “Can we be real friends?” Real Friends. We were asked to talk about how we were living out our word of the year (I know, life just does that, takes something you thought about for like a second (or in my case about 20 minutes) and brings it up again and again until you have no choice but to say “okay, I hear you, I feel you, I’ll do what you ask…. but I already know it is going to be hard.), how this word was allowing us to release what we needed to, and diving deep where it needed to.

Yeah – real friendship with me is actually that intense.

My new friend then said “Well since we are real friends now, I’ll go there.” She opened her heart and said some real things. We talked about how it was hard, how all the pressure has wrapped us in layers that we didn’t ask for. We said, that when we get the courage to pull back those layers, we eventually get to a place that is too real, too real. We get scared. We put the layers back like we found them, and we keep on living. We keep on moving forward, a little more slumped over and little more cautious. We look over our shoulders more and we lift the weights of life, so we can carry all that we cover up. We became grown ups and brought more with us along the way than we asked for.

My new friend, Amy – she is a soul on the sleeve kind of woman. She pauses before she speaks because she wants to say what she actually wants you to hear. She talks to you from that soul and when she is listening – she is listening. I’ve been meeting with her every month for the past couple of months. We sit together in a circle with other members of our church and we talk about how to lift others up to lead well and how are souls are doing. Despite all that real stuff, we just became real friends yesterday.

I came home and knew I was supposed to return some phone calls, I knew I was supposed to reach out through some emails, I was supposed to study and do my laundry and pray. You know what I did? I went to bed. Right to bed. No stopping along the way. Surprised and not really sure how I made it in to my pajamas – right to bed. I woke up today and I haven’t stopped thinking about all the truth Amy said last night. If we aren’t going to do better, then what are we doing? I am not talking about doing better because I set up some expectations for myself, or because I had some reasonable goals that I didn’t meet, but doing better because what is the point if I don’t?

You know what makes me tired? Life. I am not talking about living in to my whole self life, I am talking about work and commuting and being on-time (and late) to meetings, conference calls and parking. I am waking up everyday and living my life. I am not waking up everyday and loving my life. I am checking the boxes and making it through. The goal is making it back to my bed so I can start over. Why am I doing that? Sounds terrible doesn’t it?

It is really important that you know that my whole life isn’t like that. I love my life. I am grateful and empowered and working on being brave. I am surround by the most amazing people and I feel loved by so many people (some of whom don’t live any where near me). I am truly blessed. Right now, today – I am tired because I am waking up and living my life – the one I created, the one I built and set parameters for, the one that is all about me and what I want. There is little purpose when I am only serving myself. I wasn’t meant to serve myself. I wasn’t made for that. I was made for more.

I am going to stop expecting myself to get up at 4:30 am and drink my coffee with the sun, I love the morning, but that is not going to happen tomorrow – I will be sleeping. I am going to drink my coffee when I get up, well after 4:30am, and it is going to taste the same. I am not going to be disappointed before I leave my bed in the morning. I going to be present and loving in the moment, be grateful in every moment. I am not going to set myself up for self-inflicted failure – I am going to remember that I have a life worth loving.

I am going to love tomorrow.

One Word for 2015

/ Margi Sang / 1 Comment

I usually am weary about bandwagons. However, I am going to jump on the one concerning a person “word of the year.” A few years ago I stop making resolutions in favor of having a yearly theme. Naturally, my theme last year was to “Be Bolder.” That theme continues on to this year as well. (A little more bolder then before.) As I scrolled through one of my favorite instagram accounts: @kalbarteski, I noticed #wordoftheyear and it really interested me. Turns out this is like a real thing. Like, people are doing this, this word of the year thing. It’s a real hashtag, and people are writing about it, speaking about it, making it real, and its a great idea! So, I jumped on board and a word found me. It was really quite easy. I closed my eyes took a few breaths and then there it was, loud and clear.

I want to be brave. I want to be confident in my gut. I imagine that is where bravery grows, forms, builds a foundation – starts a needle through a piece of fabric to become something strong, sturdy – beautiful. I want to be brave enough to do something about something. I want to be brave enough to challenge the difficult person, the soft spoken person, even the nicest of people. I want to be the kind of brave that makes no apologies and has no regrets. I want to live out my skin brave.

There is so much to do something about, so much love to be given, support to be provided, care to speak out in to people. I want to do all those things fully and bravely. In a way that is filled with both hope and comfort.  I think I can be brave.

What is your word for 2015? Have you spoke it out yet? Told the world you are committing to yourself this year. I just did that. It feels so good to know that I have made this small yet palpable commitment to myself. I have a tendency to love others before I love myself. Even when I know I cannot care for others well if I am not caring for myself. So this year, I am going to continue to love people from that brave place, but I am committing to love myself from there too. I can do it. So can you.

Happy New Year!

writing for full presence

/ Margi Sang / Leave a comment

July 11, 2014 / Write a poem, she says – the kind of poetry that I want to hear. The kind that sits on your shoulders – makes a home there. Words that carve themselves deep in to the page – caverns dancing – dancing that only happens at the corners of mouths, listening. Phrases that make skin obsolete. The only crawling comes from scrawling my finite language into a world with no dimension and no end – Something that makes its way into the veins of someone who tears at me without even knowing. Someone who will never remember who we were, or know that we loved fiercely. Lines that sit on flesh like dust – seeping slowly into lines on palms of soulful musicians, playing in dark corners – reeling you in.

solicited advice.

/ Margi Sang / Leave a comment

Bold:

  1. showing an ability to take risks; confident and courageous.
  2. having a strong or vivid appearance.

Audacious:

  1. showing a willingness to take surprisingly bold risks.

 

The word bodacious is a portmanteau that comes from the words bold and audacious. I would never describe myself as bodacious, but I like the idea of being bold, and respectfully audacious. (to be transparent the second definition for the word audacious is showing an impudent lack of respect. I do not want to be this part of the word, although I ask that you forgive me when I inevitably am. I just want to be risky – within reason.) 

I am working on being bold. I want to be bold. I think boldness and courage are linked  and I think they both involve taking risks and having faith. I have faith. I am afraid.

In light of some changes that have taken place in my life (more on that later), I have decided that now is a great time to practice living boldly – within reason. I keep saying that because this is not the start of any sky diving, or solo Pacific Crest Trailing. While I am up for adventure, I am also not going to jump out of a plane any time soon.

This past summer I was listening to a panel of school principals. They were tasked with providing my cohort of wanna-be school leaders with some practical advice for our future roles. There was a lot on leading well, and caring for others, and remembering why you started the endeavor towards leadership in the first place. There was a lot. I honestly don’t remember most of it. Really, I remember one thing. One of the principals, he was wearing a light tan suit, said something that really shook me. It would become the thing that I would go to when my heart would start to race, or when I felt my self getting in the way of myself. It was so simple, yet it shook my whole world.

How ever bold you think you’re being, be bolder.

That was it. That was all I needed to hear. I felt my heart light up in a hot fire of excitement. I was listening. I was ready to do just that – to be bolder. I definitely hadn’t been bold in a long time. I think there may have been a time once before where people may have seen some inklings towards bold in me. Not recently.

This idea of “being bolder” has been on mind every since. I am trying to do just that – to be bolder.

I am failing.

Fear, judgement, self-consciousness and uncertainty have a firm grip on me. I am seeing the edge and dizzy at the thought of getting any closer. I need to jump. I am inching my way closer (part of me hopes some one will just push me already).

All that to say, I am trying to live a bolder life. This is me inching closer.